Day 7 of 84 (part 2 before I found the lost post)

OMG, I wrote a tons and just erased it.  I think I am going to cry.  Lesson learned when you are new to this blogging thing.  :)

Long story short:  had a bad three days, I am over it.  I am going to work out, drink water, and plan meals. 

I am Super not Superwoman, I am sure she had bad days also.

Day 7 of 84 (part 1 the one I lost and then found again)

Day 7 of 84
I woke up this morning and just wanted to quit. I don't feel well, I am tired, I am sore from working about, I am overwhelmed, I don't think I can do this, I messed up all weekend eating whatever I wanted, did I mention I didn't feel good.  I am just so sad.  I have not writtten in my blog for 3 days and it feels like a lifetime.  I have been screaming inside my head all morning.  Spoiled little brat is going crazy inside my mind.  So I am writing this all out, to let the child have her say and then I am going to ignore her until she settles down.  UGH, it is like ants crawling on your skin. 

So, I am looking at what is real or TRUE and what is not.  I don't feel well (true nose running, head hurts--ok drink water and take vitamin c and aspirin).   I am tired (true, I am not sleeping well- try melation tonight and stop hiding by taking naps).  I am sore from working out, if I don't work out in the morning I don't have to work out later (really really Barb, three days ago I felt alive when I was a little sore, just because I need more sleep and did not wake up at 430am to work out, I think I can find 40 minutes to lift weights today).  Blogging(doing it now, already feeling better).  Maybe I just needed to whine a little bit.  LOL.  I always do this "balls to the walls" until I break.  I am smarter than this.  I just need to stop and think.  IT IS NOT a failure to just STOP and THINK.  I tell my kids to do it so why don't I?  I am going to make a list.  I am going to remember that not everything needs to be marked off the list or am I a bad person for not getting EVERYTHING done.  It is ok.

What I learned over the last three days.  PLAN PLAN PLAN.  I throw most things to the wind when I went to work Friday.  The family had two parties to go to, I didn't plan those well either.  If it is social, I eat.  Planning would have helped and I can say no.  My friends will not dislike me if I don't eat everything.  Water, I am pretty sure being outside, I got dehyrated.  Be Smarter Barb. 

Positive things that happen in the three days.  I worked out 6 out of 7 days the first week of Body for Life.  I am much more mindful about eating when I am home.  I enjoyed seeing friends.  It made my heart feel less lonely.  It was a good weekend.  My little brat seems quieter now. 

I am going to put workout bench together to work out tonight. I will drink water today, no pretending with pretend soda water. I am going to plan meals for the week.  I am going to smile.  I can do this. 

I am Super but not Superwoman.  I am pretty sure sometimes she didn't want to work out also.  :)

Day 4 of 84

OWWW, OOOOOWWWW, OWWWWWWW.  OK woke up this morning and my muscle were screaming at me.  First thought, roll over.  Second thought, get your a$$ up and moving. Third thought, stretch more crazy woman.  Got dressed, grabbed water, and got on my nemesis, THE ELLIPTICAL.  I did it. I kicked some booty this morning.  With screaming quads, I hit my 10s.  Finished, I came downstairs straight for the yoga room and stretched my aching legs.  I laid there and smiled.  My heart smiled.  I feel good.  I ache and I feel GREAT.    Moving forward.

Last night when I finally hit my bed, something was different.  My room was a little brighter.  I looked all around, did I leave on a light, were the kids coming in, what was off or technically what was ON. Guess what, I wiggled around to lay in the middle sideways and I found the light.  The beautiful moon, so bright, was smiling through my window.  I lost track of time just staring and admiring the beauty of the moon.  My first thought was "I wonder if my amazing marine was staring at the same moon".  That is what my husband tells the kids when they are missing him.  You know, "go outside and know daddy is looking at the same moon as you are, then we are not so far".  It made my heart contract.  I knew it was daytime there while it was night time here but for the 20 minutes I pretended we were holding hands watching the same moon.  I fell asleep thinking I am so blessed.  I am doing amazing things.  I am Super not Superwoman (I didn't get half of my to do list done yesterday).  Today is a new day. Off to make lunches and wake up my angels.  Hee Hee. (anything but angels)

Day 3 of 84.  I did lower body workout today.  My abs were like "what the heck".  I just laughed and thought "yes, back to work".  It felt good to take care of myself.  Going to an amazing cooking class tonight with some friends.  Raw Fusion.  I was hungry yesterday so being more mindful today.  Watching what I am eating and trying not to skip meals.  I feel good. 

Last night, I got a little mommy time.  I went to sketch and sip.  One wine cooler, look out world, Barb had a drink.  LOL.  Didn't go with anyone, just went into my own zone.  It was nice.  I love painting but need a little guidance.  My daughter can't wait to go over the summer.  Feeling happy about living. 

OMG, I did it. I DID IT.  I did the aerobic exercise this morning.  I am sweating like a crazy woman and it feels good.  Hello, Barb, meet the elliptical that has been upstairs for 2 years.  I was so nervous  I would not be able to finish nor hit the peaks.  Well, I did it.  I did keep saying "Just keep going, just keep going".  It was a little mental push.  LOL Day 2 of 84, exercise complete.  It really was a hurdle but I flew across it.  YAY me!!!!!  Now time to jump in the shower then pack lunches before my little ones awake from their sleepy slumber. 

Not superwoman but FEELING SUPER at 5:42 am      Just have to be mindful of eating all day.
I AM HAPPY.  Have a great day.

So today was the day, I started the 12 week Body for Life Competition.  This is a project that I have started 5 times in the last 6 years only making it to the 3rd or 4th week and never really thinking about the food.  I am in a different state of mind this time.  I am excited because I really started on the right track this go around.  I planned and planned for days.  I downloaded the entry form, took before pictures UGH, and got my home gym set up.  I could not sleep because I was so excited.  Could you believe it? Excited to work out.  Working with Dr Dina this past year, I have found strength inside myself I never knew I had.  We have worked together so I have learned not to diet but to be more mindful while eating.  I did toss and turn last night thinking of all my previous failures which would of stopped my breathe before. This time I thought about them and took away learning experiences from each try.  It felt right.  I am tired of focusing on things not done.  I am looking at the truth of the matter.  I am going to do all 12 weeks.  I deserve the time for myself to work out.  I deserve to eat healthy things that make me feel better.  Is that true, yes Bryon Katie, you know it lady!!!  Don't get me wrong.  I am hungry today and TIRED.  My arms felt like jelly this morning.  Tomorrow is aerobics.  Let me tell you this makes me nervous, I have not done that much aerobics in a long time.  Fingers crossed.  Day 1 of 84.  Good Night.

I am just starting this blog thing. Kind of excited.

Hi, my name is Barb.  It has taken me a while to find strengh in myself to believe I am SUPER.  I know I am nice.  I love to help people even at a cost to myself.  I have come to realize I am not SUPERWOMAN, I am just wonderful me.  For 30+ years, I have never thought I was wonderful.  I thought by making people happy that would make me happy, that would makethem love me.  I am not so different then many people in the world. Raise in a broken home, told by family "it is ok you are not pretty, you have pretty hair", searching for love in the wrong place, and being hurt in the worst way just because I  wanted to be loved.  Someone asked me once "Did you ever love yourself, can you tell yourself you love YOU?"  First, why would I talk to myself, I was trying to be funny.  A year ago I could not tell myself that I loved me.  Today I can.  I do love me as much as I love my amazing family.  YES, that does surprise me.  I never thought I could say it. I am getting stronger every day. Baby steps.  We all have set backs, I don't understand why I do not allow myself to have set backs.  I want to believe I am human. Correction: I do believe I am human not Superwoman or my heroine WONDER WORMAN.  You know she is amazingly beautiful. I watched Lynda Carter when I was younger, so stronger, catching bad guys, and everyone loved her.  I think my brother might have been the biggest fan but I wanted to be her.

So this is me, realizing I am not Wonder Woman who I call Super Woman (sorry Marvel Comic guys), just a woman on a journey to love herself more.  It is a new journey for me.  Laughter, Tears, Joy, and Heartache are the flowers on the side of this path. I can't wait to see what lies ahead.